breathe again

"Are we nothing more than this?"

Sitting here vacant, hearing Hundred Reason's, one of my most adored bands, last song off their LP 'Kill Your Own' was a pounding enormous ax inside my head. Breaking. Shattering. Disturbing. I hate asking myself too many questions I'm not prepared to answer. I hate it because it makes me look into the very core of my existence where I find nothing but dust and dirt. Nothing. And it becomes a constant nagging thought that I have done nothing of any great bearing. Having only left a month being 23 and realizing that I am not getting any younger and nowhere near some direction is alarming.

Mediocrity was something banned from my system, but when was the last time I was living at my excellent state? When was the last time I stretched myself to give out "one supreme effort"? When was the last time I felt deeply connected and passionate about what I do? I hate to answer it, but, honestly, I do not know. I hate to admit that for the longest time, I am living in mediocrity, and at times, even lower. And I hate myself for being that person. I try to escape from myself by succumbing to superficial distractions. Preoccupying my mind with insignificant issues and matters. And still, it gets me nowhere. Nowhere but down to the pit. Getting more lost and seemingly farther away from my course.

Almost everyday I find a need to breathe a different air. Be somewhere no one can find me. Lost in a place where no one knows me and I can be someone else. A total escape. Maybe only then can I regain a clearer perspective. Maybe then I can renew my senses and existence. And I know it sounds like a plot of some films or tv series. I want to escape, but most importantly, I want to escape from myself. I have always known what it is that I want, but I deny myself from getting it. Because it's safe and easy inside my comfort bubble. Because I am afraid of failure, having failed many times even before I try.

I can't always be like this. It's a sick feeling in my stomach I can't seem to cure. But my current state is dry of any inspiration, any drive, any will, any power. How can I expect to fight when my worst enemy lives in me. When my only salvation is hibernating, still and quiet, weak and covered in darkness? How can I hope to be found when I am perpetually hidden inside my own walls? And when can I finally wake up and face my own demons and live up to my own yardstick? When can I deserve a true rest because I have been working too hard? When can I finally say that I deserve even just a bit of something? Because right now, I am floating in mid-air, half-numbed and withdrawn. And all I can say is I don't know.


Are we nothing more than this?
A list of pinnacles achieved
And I forgot the way to my conscience
I will save this, take you home
A chance to leave the past behind
And head towards the future bright

This time it's done a better way
Breathe again
Breathe again
Breathe again this time

Forget the emotional countdown
And try to put together
Just a little bit piece by piece
Are we nothing more than this?

(Are we nothing more than this?) A list of pinnacles achieved
(Are we nothing more than this?) And I forgot the way to my conscience
(Are we nothing more than this?) I will save this, take you home
(Are we nothing more than this?) A chance to leave the past behind
(Are we nothing more than this?) And head towards the future bright

- Breathe Again
Hundred Reasons

...:::j u l i e:::...