we used to be friends

In my quest to find interesting pictures from magazines to cover my hideous pale pink walls, I came across a page of a girl sitting on a worn-out sofa and surrounded by bits and pieces of junk: broken tv, car parts, old lampshade, more car parts. But what hit me was the message it contained:
"FRIENDS AREN'T DISPOSABLE.
If you're friend is doing drugs or drinking, bring them back."
Friends aren't disposable. Yeah, right. Either I am disposable or I was not a friend.

What I initially thought of as bridge over a little hole turned out to be the very acid that completely melted us away.

People come and go, in and out, of another person's life. That's the bitter reality. And I have come to accept that no matter how much I wanted to keep certain people in my life, a time will come when I have to bid goodbye due to some 'natural' occurences. Either we have to move to another place, lost all forms of communication, busy life, and whatnots. But what's highly repulsive is knowing you were only inches away from each other, and yet, you're slowly drifting apart, because the other person no longer wanted to recognize the bond you used to enjoy, because she has found something way 'cooler'. I lost her to three B's: Boys, Booze, and Beyotches.

Boys. Silly as it may sound, but yes, it all started with boys. In a room-full of girls, I will most likely be the last to catch a guy's attention. Not smoldering nor gorgeous. Nor am I a vulture ready to prey on the next cute guy. So why did I get the feeling that I was a "competition"? At least that was how she influenced me to feel, to think she used to be a friend who was well aware of how I behave toward guys. At first, I thought that her pushing me away from all those guys from our little fishbowl was her way of protecting me from any harm they could cause. But the only harm that I realized was the potential harm of me dividing those guys' attention that she so wanted to get all to herself. I find confrontations very awkward, so I just put some form of a wall between me and those guys as a subtle way of saying "hey, I'm aware of my boundaries and I'm not planning on messing with your game". She can have all the guys and I won't mind, as long as I still have her. But, sadly, it did not stop there.

Booze. Too much booze. Too much that she lost way too many valuables because of it. Beer turned out to be a major part of her lifestyle that most of the time, I could barely recognize her. It's not like I never get drawn to the 'fun' a bucket of beer can bring, but that's an entirely different story. She became an all too different person from what I used to know. She'd rather spend time sitting consuming all the buckets all their pockets can afford than doing something else, say, getting a good night's rest. After all, it's all about having fun and forgetting about everything else, right?

Beyotches. I mean, better, cooler "friends", so obviously, being her "old friend", I had to take, not the backseat, but the trunk. I find nothing wrong with the fact that she was having the time of her life, enjoying the company of her new-found friends. I still tried to spend some time with her, squeezed it out from our limited time to talk or bond, but several times, I got shoved away. Apparently, she had more important stuffs to talk about with them. I was hurt. And who wouldn't? There was this one time that her new friend wanted me to stay anyway, but she insisted on giving them the time to talk. Ok. I get it. I was a lame boring dork she can easily trade in for someone cool and controversial. After all, she's one of the firsts to get the freshest juice out of the grapevine. She has to live up to it.

One day, she texted me, saying how much she wanted to get the closeness we used to have, how she was "blinded" by things that has made her forget about the people who truly care for her, and that she'll make it up to me. I was a bit cynical at first, but then, I thought, maybe she has come to her senses and it might be the chance we both need to repair the crack on our bridge. But guess what, nothing better happened. We still hardly talk, and most of the time, I was the one who initiated our small conversations. So much for her promises that went down straight to the drain.

Was it her or was it our little fishbowl? Was it the part of her I never got to recognize before or was it due to the influence of people surrounding her? Or maybe both. Was she trying to prove something to me? Was there something upsetting I did to her to be treated this way? As of writing this, I still have no clue to the other side of the coin. I hate the thought of creating such a drama out of a simple confrontation. I hate the thought of being lied on my face when her behavior already gave her away. Maybe, one day, she'll get to read this shit. I do hope she will recognize herself and this point in our lives. Maybe then we have patched things up, or maybe we have turned out hating each other. Maybe we're still friends, or have retracted to being just acquaintances. Either way, I fucking don't care. I tried darn har to save something of our "friendship", but it's sickening to look like a fool whenever I did. So I just keep on existing like a seemingly nobody in her eyes, out of civility, out of practicality.


"A long time ago, we used to be friends
But I haven't thought of you lately at all
If ever again, a greeting I send to you
Short and sweet is all I intend to do"
- The Dandy Warhols



(I was supposed to post this entry last week but was not able to do so due to some problem with our internet connection and my pc. It was so last year now...)