black black heart

Like a rotten fruit, I need to let this out of my system so the rest won't get spoiled. Eight straight days, no sight of him. I feel more mellowed, more tamed. It's way better this way. No debates in my head. No urges to bend. I could easily get used to his absence. But, no, his absence won't be for long. There will be a big possibility that he will pass by my sight again, and an even bigger risk of having a relapse.

Why does he have to be so accessible, yet unavailable? And why does he have to be so malambing?

I kept running away, only to find him right beside me. The last few weeks have been tormenting. I was alone and needed some company. I wanted to have him, but not his soul, only to quench my shallow thirst. I was craving for a cup of attention. He gave me a gallon. But it was a gallon without any flavor. I have his eyes on me, but he could never really see right through. I have seen his appalling nature, and yet, I continue staring. It was a gallon I could easily take like a bag of potato chips. Relieving the pangs but not satisfying the hunger. Covering the holes but not filling them in. But I haven't.

Half of me is 23. It knows I'm better off alone. It believes I deserve, if not something better, at least something else. It's not so much a question of "why?", rather of "why him?". The other half of me is back to being 16. Rebellious and full of anger. Tired of running for the gold only to end empty-handed. Only to be left distraught and annihilated.

Only lame people believe in finding 'Mr. Right'. We have our own sets of imperfections and weaknesses. The same person who promised his undying adoration will be the same asshole who's going to cheat on you. So why not be a free hen to a tied rooster? I can get my fix of sensory gratification without subjecting myself to any form of commitment. I am no saint.

But, hell, I am lame, I admit. A pea-size part of my soul is secretly hoping that someday, I'll runaway with a rockstar. Or maybe not to that extreme. Just simply hoping for someone with some quality and substance will find me. Someone who knows the power of good conversations. Injected with values and passion in his being. Sexy but not filthy. Sweet but not flirty. And, most importantly, someone who recognizes my worth (no matter how much I have) and would not have me for just an extra.



BLACK BLACK HEART
- David Usher

Something ugly this way comes
Through my fingers sliding inside
All these blessings all these burns
I'm godless underneath your cover
Search for pleasure search for pain
In this world now I am undying
I unfurl my flag my nation helpless

Black black heart
Why would you offer more
Why would you make it easier on me
To satisfy
I'm on fire
I'm rotting to the core
I'm eating all your kings and queens
All your sex and your diamonds

As I begin to lose my grip
On these realities your sending
Taste your mind and taste your sex
I'm naked underneath your cover
Covers lie and we will bend and borrow
With the coming sign
The tide will take the sea will rise
And time will rape

Black black heart
Why would you offer more
Why would you make it easier on me
To satisfy
I'm on fire
I'm rotting to the core
I'm eating all your kings and queens
All your sex and your diamonds

All your sex and your diamonds...


...:::j u l i e:::...