about last night

I don't know what I'm supposed to do, nor feel, anymore. I wanted to shout out the hell out of me and just disappear.

I was not supposed to be absent for work today, but I was too weak and wasted to function earlier. I guess I just reached the end of my rope last night and took something to lift me out of my agony. Who can blame me, when I've been taking a lot of shit on a daily basis at work, receiving punch after punch and yesterday, I got a kick in the gut. Then I came home, hoping to feel a little better, but all I got was a shitload of old crap. Thank you very much, that was just what I needed. So I went in to my room, locked the door, and found myself a company for my misery. And yes, it served its purpose. I was flying. I was numb. I was lifted out of the dumps. It lasted for a couple of hours, then, I passed out. I woke up with a horrible headache and abdominal cramps. I wanted to throw up, but nothing will come out of my empty stomach anyway knowing I did not take my dinner. Everything around me was spinning it was an effort for me to go down and get a glass of cold water. When I went back to my bed and shut my eyes, I could not help myself from thinking how insane I was for doing what I did last night. But I had nobody to turn to. I seemed to be fully surrounded, but was actually completely alone. I don't know if I have a low tolerance for such beasts or if what I took was just plainly brutally strong. I still feel awful though it has been about 20 hours since I took it.

I fucking don't know what to do.
Or maybe I do, I'm just being chickenshit.