(This was very amusing.)
Put your player on shuffle and hit the 'Next' button to get your answer to every question. You must indicate the title and artist, no matter how far-fetched it sounds. Tag people who might be interested in doing this same thing. No cheating.
WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GIRL/BOY?
Smokers Outside the Hospital Doors - Editors
WHAT IS YOUR LIFE'S PURPOSE?
Hold On - Marty Casey and the Lovehammers
WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?
They - Jem
WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN?
Publish My Love - Rogue Wave
WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
Tsinelas - Kamikaze (haha!)
WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY?
Turn It On - Ladytron
WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?
I Always Knew - Jem
WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU?
Mad World - Alex Parks (so true!)
WHAT SONG WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING?
Beauty - Ladytron
WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?
Echo - Trapt (though I prefer Jeff Buckley's version of Hallelujah)
WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST?
This Is Our Sound - Ladytron (yeah, I know, I'm just adoring Ladytron lately)
WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRET?
Torn - Natalie Imbruglia (whew! buti hindi yung Beauty On The Fire)
WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS?
Sex, Drugs, and Rock 'n Roll - Saliva (buti di 'to yung sagot sa Interest/Hobbies)
WHAT'S THE WORST THING THAT COULD HAPPEN?
Blackcat - Ladytron
HOW WILL YOU DIE?
Who's Going Home With You Tonight - Trapt
WHAT IS THE ONE THING YOU REGRET?
Pretty Vegas - JD Fortune of INXS (though I definitely won't regret JD Fortune That guy's so hot!)
WHAT MAKES YOU LAUGH?
Two Trick Pony - Sandwich
WHAT MAKES YOU CRY?
DVDX - Sandwich
WHAT SCARES YOU THE MOST?
Spolarium - Eraserheads
IF YOU COULD GO BACK IN TIME, WHAT WOULD YOU CHANGE?
Yugto - Rico Blanco
WHAT HURTS RIGHT NOW?
Honest Mistake - The Bravery
WHAT WILL YOU POST THIS AS?
We've Had Enough - Alkaline Trio
Saturday, January 31, 2009
Friday, January 30, 2009
black black heart
Like a rotten fruit, I need to let this out of my system so the rest won't get spoiled. Eight straight days, no sight of him. I feel more mellowed, more tamed. It's way better this way. No debates in my head. No urges to bend. I could easily get used to his absence. But, no, his absence won't be for long. There will be a big possibility that he will pass by my sight again, and an even bigger risk of having a relapse.
Why does he have to be so accessible, yet unavailable? And why does he have to be so malambing?
I kept running away, only to find him right beside me. The last few weeks have been tormenting. I was alone and needed some company. I wanted to have him, but not his soul, only to quench my shallow thirst. I was craving for a cup of attention. He gave me a gallon. But it was a gallon without any flavor. I have his eyes on me, but he could never really see right through. I have seen his appalling nature, and yet, I continue staring. It was a gallon I could easily take like a bag of potato chips. Relieving the pangs but not satisfying the hunger. Covering the holes but not filling them in. But I haven't.
Half of me is 23. It knows I'm better off alone. It believes I deserve, if not something better, at least something else. It's not so much a question of "why?", rather of "why him?". The other half of me is back to being 16. Rebellious and full of anger. Tired of running for the gold only to end empty-handed. Only to be left distraught and annihilated.
Only lame people believe in finding 'Mr. Right'. We have our own sets of imperfections and weaknesses. The same person who promised his undying adoration will be the same asshole who's going to cheat on you. So why not be a free hen to a tied rooster? I can get my fix of sensory gratification without subjecting myself to any form of commitment. I am no saint.
But, hell, I am lame, I admit. A pea-size part of my soul is secretly hoping that someday, I'll runaway with a rockstar. Or maybe not to that extreme. Just simply hoping for someone with some quality and substance will find me. Someone who knows the power of good conversations. Injected with values and passion in his being. Sexy but not filthy. Sweet but not flirty. And, most importantly, someone who recognizes my worth (no matter how much I have) and would not have me for just an extra.
BLACK BLACK HEART
- David Usher
Something ugly this way comes
Through my fingers sliding inside
All these blessings all these burns
I'm godless underneath your cover
Search for pleasure search for pain
In this world now I am undying
I unfurl my flag my nation helpless
Black black heart
Why would you offer more
Why would you make it easier on me
To satisfy
I'm on fire
I'm rotting to the core
I'm eating all your kings and queens
All your sex and your diamonds
As I begin to lose my grip
On these realities your sending
Taste your mind and taste your sex
I'm naked underneath your cover
Covers lie and we will bend and borrow
With the coming sign
The tide will take the sea will rise
And time will rape
Black black heart
Why would you offer more
Why would you make it easier on me
To satisfy
I'm on fire
I'm rotting to the core
I'm eating all your kings and queens
All your sex and your diamonds
All your sex and your diamonds...
...:::j u l i e:::...
Why does he have to be so accessible, yet unavailable? And why does he have to be so malambing?
I kept running away, only to find him right beside me. The last few weeks have been tormenting. I was alone and needed some company. I wanted to have him, but not his soul, only to quench my shallow thirst. I was craving for a cup of attention. He gave me a gallon. But it was a gallon without any flavor. I have his eyes on me, but he could never really see right through. I have seen his appalling nature, and yet, I continue staring. It was a gallon I could easily take like a bag of potato chips. Relieving the pangs but not satisfying the hunger. Covering the holes but not filling them in. But I haven't.
Half of me is 23. It knows I'm better off alone. It believes I deserve, if not something better, at least something else. It's not so much a question of "why?", rather of "why him?". The other half of me is back to being 16. Rebellious and full of anger. Tired of running for the gold only to end empty-handed. Only to be left distraught and annihilated.
Only lame people believe in finding 'Mr. Right'. We have our own sets of imperfections and weaknesses. The same person who promised his undying adoration will be the same asshole who's going to cheat on you. So why not be a free hen to a tied rooster? I can get my fix of sensory gratification without subjecting myself to any form of commitment. I am no saint.
But, hell, I am lame, I admit. A pea-size part of my soul is secretly hoping that someday, I'll runaway with a rockstar. Or maybe not to that extreme. Just simply hoping for someone with some quality and substance will find me. Someone who knows the power of good conversations. Injected with values and passion in his being. Sexy but not filthy. Sweet but not flirty. And, most importantly, someone who recognizes my worth (no matter how much I have) and would not have me for just an extra.
BLACK BLACK HEART
- David Usher
Something ugly this way comes
Through my fingers sliding inside
All these blessings all these burns
I'm godless underneath your cover
Search for pleasure search for pain
In this world now I am undying
I unfurl my flag my nation helpless
Black black heart
Why would you offer more
Why would you make it easier on me
To satisfy
I'm on fire
I'm rotting to the core
I'm eating all your kings and queens
All your sex and your diamonds
As I begin to lose my grip
On these realities your sending
Taste your mind and taste your sex
I'm naked underneath your cover
Covers lie and we will bend and borrow
With the coming sign
The tide will take the sea will rise
And time will rape
Black black heart
Why would you offer more
Why would you make it easier on me
To satisfy
I'm on fire
I'm rotting to the core
I'm eating all your kings and queens
All your sex and your diamonds
All your sex and your diamonds...
...:::j u l i e:::...
Monday, January 26, 2009
wala lang
I happened to stumble upon this website that has the most comprehensive explanation of both my full name and my birthday.
from : http://www.paulsadowski.com/Numbers.asp
There are 13 letters in your name.Those 13 letters total to 57.
There are 5 vowels and 8 consonants in your name. What your first name means:
Latin Female Variant of Julia: Young.
French Female Downy. French form of Julia. Also can be a feminine form of
Julian: Youthful. Jove's child. Famous Bearer: Actress Julie
Andrews.
Your number is: 3
The characteristics of #3 are: Expression, verbalization, socialization, the arts, the joy of living.
The expression or destiny for #3:
An Expression of 3 produces a quest for destiny with words along a variety of lines that may include writing, speaking, singing, acting or teaching; our entertainers, writers, litigators, teachers, salesmen, and composers. You also have the destiny to sell yourself or sell just about any product that comes along. You are imaginative in your presentation, and you may have creative talents in the arts, although these are more likely to be latent. You are an optimistic person that seems ever enthusiastic about life and living. You are friendly, loving and social, and people like you because you are charming and such a good conversationalist. Your ability to communicate may often inspire others. It is your role in life to inspire and motivate; to raise the spirits of those around you.
The negative side of number 3 Expression is superficiality. You may tend to scatter your forces and simply be too easygoing. It is advisable for the negative 3 to avoid dwelling on trivial matters, especially gossip.
Your Soul Urge number is: 6
A Soul Urge number of 6 means:
With a number 6 Soul Urge, you would like to be appreciated for your ability to handle responsibility. Your home and family are likely to be a strong focus for you, perhaps the strongest focus of your life. Friendship, love, and affection are high on your list of priorities for a happy life. You have a lot of diplomatic tendencies in your makeup, as you a able to rectify and balance situations with an innate skill. You like working with people rather than by yourself. It is extremely important for you to have harmony in your environment at all times.
The positive side of the 6 Soul Urge produces a huge capacity for responsibility; you are always there and ready to assume more than your share of the load. If you possess positive 6 Soul Urges and express them, you are known for your generosity, understanding and deep sympathetic attitude. Strong 6 energy is very giving of love, affection, and emotional support. You may have the inclination to teach or serve your community in other idealistic ways. You have natural abilities to help people. You are also likely to have artistic and creative leanings.
If you have an over-supply of 6 energy in your makeup, you may express some of the negative traits common to this number. With such a strong sympathetic attitude, it is easy to become too emotional. Sometimes the desires to render help can be over done, and it can become interfering and an attitude that is too protective, rather than helpful. The person with too much 6 energy often finds that people tend to take advantage of this very giving spirit. You may tend to repress your own needs so that you can cater to the demands from others. At times, there may be a tendency in this, for becoming over-loaded with such demands, and as a result become resentful.
Your Inner Dream number is: 6
An Inner Dream number of 6 means:
You dream of guiding and fostering the perfect family in the perfect home. You crave the devotion from offspring and a loving spouse. You picture yourself in the center of a successful domestic unit.
...and this one's an excerpt for my birthday...
from : http://www.paulsadowski.com/birthday.asp
You were born on a Wednesday
under the astrological sign Cancer.
Your Life path number is 4.
Your fortune cookie reads:
Keep your plans secret for now.
Life Path Compatibility:
You are most compatible with those with the Life Path numbers 2, 4, 8, 11 & 22.
You should get along well with those with the Life Path numbers 6 & 7.
You are least compatible with those with the Life Path numbers 1, 3, 5 & 9.
The golden number for 1985 is 10.
The epact number for 1985 is 8.
The year 1985 was not a leap year.
Your birthday falls into the Chinese year beginning 2/20/1985 and ending 2/8/1986.
You were born in the Chinese year of the Ox.
Your Native American Zodiac sign is Woodpecker; your plant is Wild Rose.
You were born in the Egyptian month of Paopy, the second month of the season of Poret (Emergence - Fertile soil).
As of 1/26/2009 6:02:02 AM EST
You are 23 years old.
You are 282 months old.
Top songs of 1985
Say You, Say Me by Lionel Richie
We Are The World by USA for Africa
Careless Whisper by Wham!
Can't Fight This Feeling by REO Speedwagon
Money for Nothing by Dire Straits
Shout by Tears for Fears
Broken Wings by Mr. Mister
I Want to Know What Love Is by Foreigner
The Power of Love by Huey Lewis & the News
Everybody Wants to Rule the World by Tears for Fears
Your lucky day is Monday.
Your lucky number is 2 & 7.
Your ruling planet(s) is Moon.
Your lucky dates are 1st, 10th, 19th, 28th.
Your opposition sign is Capricorn.
Your opposition number(s) is 8.
Your birthstone is Ruby
The Mystical properties of Ruby
Ruby is said to open one's heart to love.
Some lists consider these stones to be your birthstone. (Birthstone lists come from Jewelers, Tibet, Ayurvedic Indian medicine, and other sources)
Carnelian
Your birth tree is
Fir Tree, the Mysterious
Extraordinary taste, dignity, cultivated airs, loves anything beautiful, moody, stubborn, tends to egoism but cares for those close to it,rather modest, very ambitious, talented, industrious uncontent lover, many friends, many foes, very reliable.
There are 333 days till Christmas 2009!
There are 346 days till Orthodox Christmas!
The moon's phase on the day you wereborn was in its last quarter.
...wala lang...
from : http://www.paulsadowski.com/Numbers.asp
There are 13 letters in your name.Those 13 letters total to 57.
There are 5 vowels and 8 consonants in your name. What your first name means:
Latin Female Variant of Julia: Young.
French Female Downy. French form of Julia. Also can be a feminine form of
Julian: Youthful. Jove's child. Famous Bearer: Actress Julie
Andrews.
Your number is: 3
The characteristics of #3 are: Expression, verbalization, socialization, the arts, the joy of living.
The expression or destiny for #3:
An Expression of 3 produces a quest for destiny with words along a variety of lines that may include writing, speaking, singing, acting or teaching; our entertainers, writers, litigators, teachers, salesmen, and composers. You also have the destiny to sell yourself or sell just about any product that comes along. You are imaginative in your presentation, and you may have creative talents in the arts, although these are more likely to be latent. You are an optimistic person that seems ever enthusiastic about life and living. You are friendly, loving and social, and people like you because you are charming and such a good conversationalist. Your ability to communicate may often inspire others. It is your role in life to inspire and motivate; to raise the spirits of those around you.
The negative side of number 3 Expression is superficiality. You may tend to scatter your forces and simply be too easygoing. It is advisable for the negative 3 to avoid dwelling on trivial matters, especially gossip.
Your Soul Urge number is: 6
A Soul Urge number of 6 means:
With a number 6 Soul Urge, you would like to be appreciated for your ability to handle responsibility. Your home and family are likely to be a strong focus for you, perhaps the strongest focus of your life. Friendship, love, and affection are high on your list of priorities for a happy life. You have a lot of diplomatic tendencies in your makeup, as you a able to rectify and balance situations with an innate skill. You like working with people rather than by yourself. It is extremely important for you to have harmony in your environment at all times.
The positive side of the 6 Soul Urge produces a huge capacity for responsibility; you are always there and ready to assume more than your share of the load. If you possess positive 6 Soul Urges and express them, you are known for your generosity, understanding and deep sympathetic attitude. Strong 6 energy is very giving of love, affection, and emotional support. You may have the inclination to teach or serve your community in other idealistic ways. You have natural abilities to help people. You are also likely to have artistic and creative leanings.
If you have an over-supply of 6 energy in your makeup, you may express some of the negative traits common to this number. With such a strong sympathetic attitude, it is easy to become too emotional. Sometimes the desires to render help can be over done, and it can become interfering and an attitude that is too protective, rather than helpful. The person with too much 6 energy often finds that people tend to take advantage of this very giving spirit. You may tend to repress your own needs so that you can cater to the demands from others. At times, there may be a tendency in this, for becoming over-loaded with such demands, and as a result become resentful.
Your Inner Dream number is: 6
An Inner Dream number of 6 means:
You dream of guiding and fostering the perfect family in the perfect home. You crave the devotion from offspring and a loving spouse. You picture yourself in the center of a successful domestic unit.
...and this one's an excerpt for my birthday...
from : http://www.paulsadowski.com/birthday.asp
You were born on a Wednesday
under the astrological sign Cancer.
Your Life path number is 4.
Your fortune cookie reads:
Keep your plans secret for now.
Life Path Compatibility:
You are most compatible with those with the Life Path numbers 2, 4, 8, 11 & 22.
You should get along well with those with the Life Path numbers 6 & 7.
You are least compatible with those with the Life Path numbers 1, 3, 5 & 9.
The golden number for 1985 is 10.
The epact number for 1985 is 8.
The year 1985 was not a leap year.
Your birthday falls into the Chinese year beginning 2/20/1985 and ending 2/8/1986.
You were born in the Chinese year of the Ox.
Your Native American Zodiac sign is Woodpecker; your plant is Wild Rose.
You were born in the Egyptian month of Paopy, the second month of the season of Poret (Emergence - Fertile soil).
As of 1/26/2009 6:02:02 AM EST
You are 23 years old.
You are 282 months old.
Top songs of 1985
Say You, Say Me by Lionel Richie
We Are The World by USA for Africa
Careless Whisper by Wham!
Can't Fight This Feeling by REO Speedwagon
Money for Nothing by Dire Straits
Shout by Tears for Fears
Broken Wings by Mr. Mister
I Want to Know What Love Is by Foreigner
The Power of Love by Huey Lewis & the News
Everybody Wants to Rule the World by Tears for Fears
Your lucky day is Monday.
Your lucky number is 2 & 7.
Your ruling planet(s) is Moon.
Your lucky dates are 1st, 10th, 19th, 28th.
Your opposition sign is Capricorn.
Your opposition number(s) is 8.
Your birthstone is Ruby
The Mystical properties of Ruby
Ruby is said to open one's heart to love.
Some lists consider these stones to be your birthstone. (Birthstone lists come from Jewelers, Tibet, Ayurvedic Indian medicine, and other sources)
Carnelian
Your birth tree is
Fir Tree, the Mysterious
Extraordinary taste, dignity, cultivated airs, loves anything beautiful, moody, stubborn, tends to egoism but cares for those close to it,rather modest, very ambitious, talented, industrious uncontent lover, many friends, many foes, very reliable.
There are 333 days till Christmas 2009!
There are 346 days till Orthodox Christmas!
The moon's phase on the day you wereborn was in its last quarter.
...wala lang...
Saturday, January 17, 2009
Life
This was my anthem yesteday.
LIFE
Our Lady Peace
How many times have you been pushed around?
Was anybody there?
Does anybody care?
How many times have your friends let you down?
Was anybody there?
Did anybody stare?
How many times have your friends let you down?
Just open up your heart
Just open up your mind
How many times has your faith slipped away?
Well, is anybody safe?
Does anybody pray?
Oh, Life is waiting for you
So messed up, but we're alive
Oh, Life is waiting for you
So messed up, but we'll survive
How many days have you just slept away?
Is everybody high?
Is everyone afraid?
How many times have you wished you were strong?
Have they ever seen your heart?
Have they ever seen your pain?
Oh, Life is waiting for you
So messed up, but we're alive
Oh, Life is waiting for you
So messed up, but we'll survive
She gets high
She gets lost
She gets drowned by the cost
Twice a day, every week, not a lie
She gets high
She gets lost
She gets drowned by the cost
Twice a day, every week, not a lie
Oh, Life is waiting for you
So messed up, but we're alive
Oh, Life is waiting for you
So messed up, but we'll survive
LIFE
Our Lady Peace
How many times have you been pushed around?
Was anybody there?
Does anybody care?
How many times have your friends let you down?
Was anybody there?
Did anybody stare?
How many times have your friends let you down?
Just open up your heart
Just open up your mind
How many times has your faith slipped away?
Well, is anybody safe?
Does anybody pray?
Oh, Life is waiting for you
So messed up, but we're alive
Oh, Life is waiting for you
So messed up, but we'll survive
How many days have you just slept away?
Is everybody high?
Is everyone afraid?
How many times have you wished you were strong?
Have they ever seen your heart?
Have they ever seen your pain?
Oh, Life is waiting for you
So messed up, but we're alive
Oh, Life is waiting for you
So messed up, but we'll survive
She gets high
She gets lost
She gets drowned by the cost
Twice a day, every week, not a lie
She gets high
She gets lost
She gets drowned by the cost
Twice a day, every week, not a lie
Oh, Life is waiting for you
So messed up, but we're alive
Oh, Life is waiting for you
So messed up, but we'll survive
the fishbowl of sodom and gomorrah
Two days ago, I swear I had reached the end of my rope. There is only so much shit I can put up with. I was seriously considering leaving, though I know I was not that ready yet. I was bursting with anger that had it not been my off yesterday (I can't call it 'rest day' since I was still fuming, not at all restful), I could care less about misbehaving around people with 'authority'. But this post will not have a buckload of swear words and tongue-lashing. I already saved them all on my private journal.
I have realized that leaving will not always solve the problem.
Tomorrow, I will be reporting for work. But unlike before, I will be more prepared for the worst. When I started working for them, I have always known that any day can be my last day on that place, no matter how excellent one may be performing. But I found myself enjoying my stay during the first two months. Just for those first two months, I forgot about its unstability. But yes, I was right from the beginning. Tomorrow, I will still go to work and do my job as usual, but will be more prepared in case I'll get kicked out of nothing at all, or another atomic bomb will be dropped, just like what happened last November. I will stay for as long as it will be spared or for as long as I need a morning shift. But I need to be more immuned to all the diseases going around that place. Whatever happens in Sodom and Gomorrah, stays in Sodom and Gomorrah. I have now fully accepted that it still has a bigger possibility for annihilation, but I should no longer take any of its aftermath. My life was never attached in any way to that place. With that, it has now given me more chance to concentrate on my priorities. Then, maybe, one day, I can hear a voice telling me I can go and save myself before that place will be destroyed. Then, I can walk away without having to look back with anger or contempt. Maybe then I can say that my stay have already served its purpose.
Maybe, I reached the end of my rope. Maybe not. Nonetheless, I need to go find an extra length. They may be turning worse with each day, but I shouldn't.
I have realized that leaving will not always solve the problem.
Tomorrow, I will be reporting for work. But unlike before, I will be more prepared for the worst. When I started working for them, I have always known that any day can be my last day on that place, no matter how excellent one may be performing. But I found myself enjoying my stay during the first two months. Just for those first two months, I forgot about its unstability. But yes, I was right from the beginning. Tomorrow, I will still go to work and do my job as usual, but will be more prepared in case I'll get kicked out of nothing at all, or another atomic bomb will be dropped, just like what happened last November. I will stay for as long as it will be spared or for as long as I need a morning shift. But I need to be more immuned to all the diseases going around that place. Whatever happens in Sodom and Gomorrah, stays in Sodom and Gomorrah. I have now fully accepted that it still has a bigger possibility for annihilation, but I should no longer take any of its aftermath. My life was never attached in any way to that place. With that, it has now given me more chance to concentrate on my priorities. Then, maybe, one day, I can hear a voice telling me I can go and save myself before that place will be destroyed. Then, I can walk away without having to look back with anger or contempt. Maybe then I can say that my stay have already served its purpose.
Maybe, I reached the end of my rope. Maybe not. Nonetheless, I need to go find an extra length. They may be turning worse with each day, but I shouldn't.
Thursday, January 15, 2009
about last night
I don't know what I'm supposed to do, nor feel, anymore. I wanted to shout out the hell out of me and just disappear.
I was not supposed to be absent for work today, but I was too weak and wasted to function earlier. I guess I just reached the end of my rope last night and took something to lift me out of my agony. Who can blame me, when I've been taking a lot of shit on a daily basis at work, receiving punch after punch and yesterday, I got a kick in the gut. Then I came home, hoping to feel a little better, but all I got was a shitload of old crap. Thank you very much, that was just what I needed. So I went in to my room, locked the door, and found myself a company for my misery. And yes, it served its purpose. I was flying. I was numb. I was lifted out of the dumps. It lasted for a couple of hours, then, I passed out. I woke up with a horrible headache and abdominal cramps. I wanted to throw up, but nothing will come out of my empty stomach anyway knowing I did not take my dinner. Everything around me was spinning it was an effort for me to go down and get a glass of cold water. When I went back to my bed and shut my eyes, I could not help myself from thinking how insane I was for doing what I did last night. But I had nobody to turn to. I seemed to be fully surrounded, but was actually completely alone. I don't know if I have a low tolerance for such beasts or if what I took was just plainly brutally strong. I still feel awful though it has been about 20 hours since I took it.
I fucking don't know what to do.
Or maybe I do, I'm just being chickenshit.
I was not supposed to be absent for work today, but I was too weak and wasted to function earlier. I guess I just reached the end of my rope last night and took something to lift me out of my agony. Who can blame me, when I've been taking a lot of shit on a daily basis at work, receiving punch after punch and yesterday, I got a kick in the gut. Then I came home, hoping to feel a little better, but all I got was a shitload of old crap. Thank you very much, that was just what I needed. So I went in to my room, locked the door, and found myself a company for my misery. And yes, it served its purpose. I was flying. I was numb. I was lifted out of the dumps. It lasted for a couple of hours, then, I passed out. I woke up with a horrible headache and abdominal cramps. I wanted to throw up, but nothing will come out of my empty stomach anyway knowing I did not take my dinner. Everything around me was spinning it was an effort for me to go down and get a glass of cold water. When I went back to my bed and shut my eyes, I could not help myself from thinking how insane I was for doing what I did last night. But I had nobody to turn to. I seemed to be fully surrounded, but was actually completely alone. I don't know if I have a low tolerance for such beasts or if what I took was just plainly brutally strong. I still feel awful though it has been about 20 hours since I took it.
I fucking don't know what to do.
Or maybe I do, I'm just being chickenshit.
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
destroy everything you touch
I'm currently listening to Ladytron's Destroy Everything You Touch. Addictive. I recall seeing their video for the first time about a year ago, from a late night MTV show. It was wierd, but in a positive way, that's why it got stuck in my selective memory. See for yourself and here's the lyrics:
DESTROY EVERYTHING YOU TOUCH
Ladytron
Destroy everything you touch today
Destroy me this way
Anything that may desert you
So it cannot hurt you
You only have to look behind you
At who's undermined you
Destroy everything you touch today
Destroy me this way
Everything you touch you don't feel
Do not know what you steal
Shakes your hand
Takes your gun
Walks you out of the sun
What you touch you don't feel
Do not know what you steal
Destroy everything you touch today
Please destroy me this way
Destroy everything you touch today
Destroy me this way
Anything that may delay you
Might just save you
You only have to look behind you
At who's underlined you
Destroy everything you touch today
Destroy me this way
Everything you touch you don't feel
Do not know what you steal
Shakes your hand
Takes your gun
Walks you out of the sun
What you touch you don't feel
Do not know what you steal
Destroy everything you touch today
Please destroy me this way
Everything you touch you don't feel
Do not know what you steal
Shakes your hand
Takes your gun
Walks you out of the sun
What you touch you don't feel
Do not know what you steal
Destroy everything you touch today
Please destroy me this way
Everything you touch you don't feel
Do not know what you steal
Shakes your hand
Takes your gun
Walks you out of the sun
What you touch you don't feel
Do not know what you steal
Destroy everything you touch today
Please destroy me this way
DESTROY EVERYTHING YOU TOUCH
Ladytron
Destroy everything you touch today
Destroy me this way
Anything that may desert you
So it cannot hurt you
You only have to look behind you
At who's undermined you
Destroy everything you touch today
Destroy me this way
Everything you touch you don't feel
Do not know what you steal
Shakes your hand
Takes your gun
Walks you out of the sun
What you touch you don't feel
Do not know what you steal
Destroy everything you touch today
Please destroy me this way
Destroy everything you touch today
Destroy me this way
Anything that may delay you
Might just save you
You only have to look behind you
At who's underlined you
Destroy everything you touch today
Destroy me this way
Everything you touch you don't feel
Do not know what you steal
Shakes your hand
Takes your gun
Walks you out of the sun
What you touch you don't feel
Do not know what you steal
Destroy everything you touch today
Please destroy me this way
Everything you touch you don't feel
Do not know what you steal
Shakes your hand
Takes your gun
Walks you out of the sun
What you touch you don't feel
Do not know what you steal
Destroy everything you touch today
Please destroy me this way
Everything you touch you don't feel
Do not know what you steal
Shakes your hand
Takes your gun
Walks you out of the sun
What you touch you don't feel
Do not know what you steal
Destroy everything you touch today
Please destroy me this way
Saturday, January 3, 2009
here it goes again
In a few hours, my "vacation" will be over. Tomorrow, everything will be back to how it used to be. To think that my "vacation" was not a legitimate one. I mean, it was my two rest days preceded by an absence. I hate to think that tomorrow, I will be dragging myself again off my bed to become a slave to money. I hate to swim in that fishbowl with fake fishes and muddy waters. I hate to think that I have to do the same thing over and over and over again for 9 long hours, 5 days a week, 4 weeks a month.
By Monday, most people will be coming back to their old routine. Holidays only last for so long. I can't say I made the most out of it. The other night I had a dream asking for a two-month vacation which had more possibility of being granted. Then I woke up, knowing it's far from happening in reality, unless I quit my job, which is something I can't afford to do, at least for now. Another case of 'damn if you do, damn if you don't'. Sucks.
HERE IT GOES AGAIN
OK Go
( -I just adore the video!)
It could be ten, but then again,
I can't remember half an hour
since a quarter to four.
Throw on your clothes,
the second side of Surfer Rosa,
and you leave me with my jaw on the floor.
Just when you think you're in control,
just when you think you've got a hold,
just when you get on a roll,
here it goes, here it goes, here it goes again.
Oh, here it goes again.
I should have known,
should have known,
should have known again,
but here it goes again.
Oh, here it goes again.
Oh. here it goes again.
It starts out easy,
something simple,
something sleazy,
something inching
past the edge of the reserve.
Now through lines of the cheap venetian blinds
your car is pulling off of the curb.
Just when you think (just when you think)
you're in control,(in control)
just when you think(just when you think)
you've got a hold,(got control)
just when you get on a roll,
here it goes, here it goes, here it goes again.
Oh, here it goes again.
I should have known, should have known,
should have known again,
but here it goes again.
Oh, here it goes.
Oh, here it goes.
Oh, here it goes again.
I guess there's got to be a break in the monotony,
but Jesus, when it rains how it pours.
Throw on your clothes,
the second side of Surfer Rosa,
and you leave me, yeah, you leave me.
Oh, here it goes, here it goes, here it goes again.
Oh here it goes again.
I should have known, should have known,
should have known again,
but here it goes again.
Oh, here it goes again.
By Monday, most people will be coming back to their old routine. Holidays only last for so long. I can't say I made the most out of it. The other night I had a dream asking for a two-month vacation which had more possibility of being granted. Then I woke up, knowing it's far from happening in reality, unless I quit my job, which is something I can't afford to do, at least for now. Another case of 'damn if you do, damn if you don't'. Sucks.
HERE IT GOES AGAIN
OK Go
( -I just adore the video!)
It could be ten, but then again,
I can't remember half an hour
since a quarter to four.
Throw on your clothes,
the second side of Surfer Rosa,
and you leave me with my jaw on the floor.
Just when you think you're in control,
just when you think you've got a hold,
just when you get on a roll,
here it goes, here it goes, here it goes again.
Oh, here it goes again.
I should have known,
should have known,
should have known again,
but here it goes again.
Oh, here it goes again.
Oh. here it goes again.
It starts out easy,
something simple,
something sleazy,
something inching
past the edge of the reserve.
Now through lines of the cheap venetian blinds
your car is pulling off of the curb.
Just when you think (just when you think)
you're in control,(in control)
just when you think(just when you think)
you've got a hold,(got control)
just when you get on a roll,
here it goes, here it goes, here it goes again.
Oh, here it goes again.
I should have known, should have known,
should have known again,
but here it goes again.
Oh, here it goes.
Oh, here it goes.
Oh, here it goes again.
I guess there's got to be a break in the monotony,
but Jesus, when it rains how it pours.
Throw on your clothes,
the second side of Surfer Rosa,
and you leave me, yeah, you leave me.
Oh, here it goes, here it goes, here it goes again.
Oh here it goes again.
I should have known, should have known,
should have known again,
but here it goes again.
Oh, here it goes again.
Friday, January 2, 2009
we used to be friends
In my quest to find interesting pictures from magazines to cover my hideous pale pink walls, I came across a page of a girl sitting on a worn-out sofa and surrounded by bits and pieces of junk: broken tv, car parts, old lampshade, more car parts. But what hit me was the message it contained:
"FRIENDS AREN'T DISPOSABLE.
If you're friend is doing drugs or drinking, bring them back."
Friends aren't disposable. Yeah, right. Either I am disposable or I was not a friend.
What I initially thought of as bridge over a little hole turned out to be the very acid that completely melted us away.
People come and go, in and out, of another person's life. That's the bitter reality. And I have come to accept that no matter how much I wanted to keep certain people in my life, a time will come when I have to bid goodbye due to some 'natural' occurences. Either we have to move to another place, lost all forms of communication, busy life, and whatnots. But what's highly repulsive is knowing you were only inches away from each other, and yet, you're slowly drifting apart, because the other person no longer wanted to recognize the bond you used to enjoy, because she has found something way 'cooler'. I lost her to three B's: Boys, Booze, and Beyotches.
Boys. Silly as it may sound, but yes, it all started with boys. In a room-full of girls, I will most likely be the last to catch a guy's attention. Not smoldering nor gorgeous. Nor am I a vulture ready to prey on the next cute guy. So why did I get the feeling that I was a "competition"? At least that was how she influenced me to feel, to think she used to be a friend who was well aware of how I behave toward guys. At first, I thought that her pushing me away from all those guys from our little fishbowl was her way of protecting me from any harm they could cause. But the only harm that I realized was the potential harm of me dividing those guys' attention that she so wanted to get all to herself. I find confrontations very awkward, so I just put some form of a wall between me and those guys as a subtle way of saying "hey, I'm aware of my boundaries and I'm not planning on messing with your game". She can have all the guys and I won't mind, as long as I still have her. But, sadly, it did not stop there.
Booze. Too much booze. Too much that she lost way too many valuables because of it. Beer turned out to be a major part of her lifestyle that most of the time, I could barely recognize her. It's not like I never get drawn to the 'fun' a bucket of beer can bring, but that's an entirely different story. She became an all too different person from what I used to know. She'd rather spend time sitting consuming all the buckets all their pockets can afford than doing something else, say, getting a good night's rest. After all, it's all about having fun and forgetting about everything else, right?
Beyotches. I mean, better, cooler "friends", so obviously, being her "old friend", I had to take, not the backseat, but the trunk. I find nothing wrong with the fact that she was having the time of her life, enjoying the company of her new-found friends. I still tried to spend some time with her, squeezed it out from our limited time to talk or bond, but several times, I got shoved away. Apparently, she had more important stuffs to talk about with them. I was hurt. And who wouldn't? There was this one time that her new friend wanted me to stay anyway, but she insisted on giving them the time to talk. Ok. I get it. I was a lame boring dork she can easily trade in for someone cool and controversial. After all, she's one of the firsts to get the freshest juice out of the grapevine. She has to live up to it.
One day, she texted me, saying how much she wanted to get the closeness we used to have, how she was "blinded" by things that has made her forget about the people who truly care for her, and that she'll make it up to me. I was a bit cynical at first, but then, I thought, maybe she has come to her senses and it might be the chance we both need to repair the crack on our bridge. But guess what, nothing better happened. We still hardly talk, and most of the time, I was the one who initiated our small conversations. So much for her promises that went down straight to the drain.
Was it her or was it our little fishbowl? Was it the part of her I never got to recognize before or was it due to the influence of people surrounding her? Or maybe both. Was she trying to prove something to me? Was there something upsetting I did to her to be treated this way? As of writing this, I still have no clue to the other side of the coin. I hate the thought of creating such a drama out of a simple confrontation. I hate the thought of being lied on my face when her behavior already gave her away. Maybe, one day, she'll get to read this shit. I do hope she will recognize herself and this point in our lives. Maybe then we have patched things up, or maybe we have turned out hating each other. Maybe we're still friends, or have retracted to being just acquaintances. Either way, I fucking don't care. I tried darn har to save something of our "friendship", but it's sickening to look like a fool whenever I did. So I just keep on existing like a seemingly nobody in her eyes, out of civility, out of practicality.
"A long time ago, we used to be friends
But I haven't thought of you lately at all
If ever again, a greeting I send to you
Short and sweet is all I intend to do"
- The Dandy Warhols
(I was supposed to post this entry last week but was not able to do so due to some problem with our internet connection and my pc. It was so last year now...)
"FRIENDS AREN'T DISPOSABLE.
If you're friend is doing drugs or drinking, bring them back."
Friends aren't disposable. Yeah, right. Either I am disposable or I was not a friend.
What I initially thought of as bridge over a little hole turned out to be the very acid that completely melted us away.
People come and go, in and out, of another person's life. That's the bitter reality. And I have come to accept that no matter how much I wanted to keep certain people in my life, a time will come when I have to bid goodbye due to some 'natural' occurences. Either we have to move to another place, lost all forms of communication, busy life, and whatnots. But what's highly repulsive is knowing you were only inches away from each other, and yet, you're slowly drifting apart, because the other person no longer wanted to recognize the bond you used to enjoy, because she has found something way 'cooler'. I lost her to three B's: Boys, Booze, and Beyotches.
Boys. Silly as it may sound, but yes, it all started with boys. In a room-full of girls, I will most likely be the last to catch a guy's attention. Not smoldering nor gorgeous. Nor am I a vulture ready to prey on the next cute guy. So why did I get the feeling that I was a "competition"? At least that was how she influenced me to feel, to think she used to be a friend who was well aware of how I behave toward guys. At first, I thought that her pushing me away from all those guys from our little fishbowl was her way of protecting me from any harm they could cause. But the only harm that I realized was the potential harm of me dividing those guys' attention that she so wanted to get all to herself. I find confrontations very awkward, so I just put some form of a wall between me and those guys as a subtle way of saying "hey, I'm aware of my boundaries and I'm not planning on messing with your game". She can have all the guys and I won't mind, as long as I still have her. But, sadly, it did not stop there.
Booze. Too much booze. Too much that she lost way too many valuables because of it. Beer turned out to be a major part of her lifestyle that most of the time, I could barely recognize her. It's not like I never get drawn to the 'fun' a bucket of beer can bring, but that's an entirely different story. She became an all too different person from what I used to know. She'd rather spend time sitting consuming all the buckets all their pockets can afford than doing something else, say, getting a good night's rest. After all, it's all about having fun and forgetting about everything else, right?
Beyotches. I mean, better, cooler "friends", so obviously, being her "old friend", I had to take, not the backseat, but the trunk. I find nothing wrong with the fact that she was having the time of her life, enjoying the company of her new-found friends. I still tried to spend some time with her, squeezed it out from our limited time to talk or bond, but several times, I got shoved away. Apparently, she had more important stuffs to talk about with them. I was hurt. And who wouldn't? There was this one time that her new friend wanted me to stay anyway, but she insisted on giving them the time to talk. Ok. I get it. I was a lame boring dork she can easily trade in for someone cool and controversial. After all, she's one of the firsts to get the freshest juice out of the grapevine. She has to live up to it.
One day, she texted me, saying how much she wanted to get the closeness we used to have, how she was "blinded" by things that has made her forget about the people who truly care for her, and that she'll make it up to me. I was a bit cynical at first, but then, I thought, maybe she has come to her senses and it might be the chance we both need to repair the crack on our bridge. But guess what, nothing better happened. We still hardly talk, and most of the time, I was the one who initiated our small conversations. So much for her promises that went down straight to the drain.
Was it her or was it our little fishbowl? Was it the part of her I never got to recognize before or was it due to the influence of people surrounding her? Or maybe both. Was she trying to prove something to me? Was there something upsetting I did to her to be treated this way? As of writing this, I still have no clue to the other side of the coin. I hate the thought of creating such a drama out of a simple confrontation. I hate the thought of being lied on my face when her behavior already gave her away. Maybe, one day, she'll get to read this shit. I do hope she will recognize herself and this point in our lives. Maybe then we have patched things up, or maybe we have turned out hating each other. Maybe we're still friends, or have retracted to being just acquaintances. Either way, I fucking don't care. I tried darn har to save something of our "friendship", but it's sickening to look like a fool whenever I did. So I just keep on existing like a seemingly nobody in her eyes, out of civility, out of practicality.
"A long time ago, we used to be friends
But I haven't thought of you lately at all
If ever again, a greeting I send to you
Short and sweet is all I intend to do"
- The Dandy Warhols
(I was supposed to post this entry last week but was not able to do so due to some problem with our internet connection and my pc. It was so last year now...)
Thursday, January 1, 2009
after the countdown...
I really have nothing much to say today but to wish for a more fruitful year for everyone
I found this song yesterday while I was on my way home. I wanted to post it here for it speaks of my current state.
LET'S GET FUCKED UP AND DIE
Motion City Soundtrack
Let's get fucked up and die
I'm speaking figuratively, of course
Like the last time that I committed suicide
Social suicide
Yeah so I'm already dead, on the inside
But I can still pretend
With my memories and photographs
I've learned to love the lie
I wanna know what it's like to be awkward and innocent,
not belligerent
I wanna know what it feels to be useful and pertinent
and have common sense
Yeah, let me in,
Let me in to the club
'Cause I wanna belong
And I need to get strong
And if memory serves
I'm addicted to words and they're useless
(in this department)
Let's get fucked up and die
I'm riding hard on the last legs of every lie
And the BMX bike of my life is about to explode
I'm about to explode
I'm a mess, I'm a wreck
I am perfect and I have learned to accept
All my problems and short comings
'Cause I am so visceral yet deeply inept
I want to thank you for being a part
of my Forget-Me-Nots and Marigolds
And all the things that don't get old
Is it legal to do this?
I surely don't know
It's the only way I have learned to express myself
Through other people's descriptions of life
I'm afraid I'm alone and entirely useless
(in this department)
Let's get fucked up and die
For the last time with feeling
We'll try not to smile
As we cover our heads and drink heavily into the night
That's no shock and surprise
I believe that I can overcome this and beat everything in the end
But I choose to abuse for the time being
Maybe I'll win, but for now I've decided to die
Sister Soldier you've been such a positive influence
on my mental frame
If I could ever repay you I would but I'm hard up for cash
And my memory lacks initiative
Goddamn the liquor store's closed
We're so close to scoring
It hurts, it destroys, 'till it kills
I am tired and hungry and totally useless.
(in this department)
I found this song yesterday while I was on my way home. I wanted to post it here for it speaks of my current state.
LET'S GET FUCKED UP AND DIE
Motion City Soundtrack
Let's get fucked up and die
I'm speaking figuratively, of course
Like the last time that I committed suicide
Social suicide
Yeah so I'm already dead, on the inside
But I can still pretend
With my memories and photographs
I've learned to love the lie
I wanna know what it's like to be awkward and innocent,
not belligerent
I wanna know what it feels to be useful and pertinent
and have common sense
Yeah, let me in,
Let me in to the club
'Cause I wanna belong
And I need to get strong
And if memory serves
I'm addicted to words and they're useless
(in this department)
Let's get fucked up and die
I'm riding hard on the last legs of every lie
And the BMX bike of my life is about to explode
I'm about to explode
I'm a mess, I'm a wreck
I am perfect and I have learned to accept
All my problems and short comings
'Cause I am so visceral yet deeply inept
I want to thank you for being a part
of my Forget-Me-Nots and Marigolds
And all the things that don't get old
Is it legal to do this?
I surely don't know
It's the only way I have learned to express myself
Through other people's descriptions of life
I'm afraid I'm alone and entirely useless
(in this department)
Let's get fucked up and die
For the last time with feeling
We'll try not to smile
As we cover our heads and drink heavily into the night
That's no shock and surprise
I believe that I can overcome this and beat everything in the end
But I choose to abuse for the time being
Maybe I'll win, but for now I've decided to die
Sister Soldier you've been such a positive influence
on my mental frame
If I could ever repay you I would but I'm hard up for cash
And my memory lacks initiative
Goddamn the liquor store's closed
We're so close to scoring
It hurts, it destroys, 'till it kills
I am tired and hungry and totally useless.
(in this department)
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)
