dread

Dread. To feel extreme reluctance to meet or face and causing great fear or anxiety, according to Merriam-Webster.

Human existence is not without fear. There's fear of closed spaces, snakes, frogs, foreign things, heights, depths, being alone, Friday the 13th, blood, crowds, dogs, dirt, even everything.

And then, there's the fear of rejection and failure.

Warriors train hard for every battle. I, on the other hand, did otherwise. I put things off until the following day, then the following week, then the following month, and then, the following year. I have wasted way too much of my short existence fearing and putting things off until realizing that I'm getting older and time is getting much, much shorter... I was eight hours too late. And even if I did make it to the last hour, I still would not make it through. I was not even half prepared.

And so, this is what I get. A blaring NO even before I stepped in.

I tried to think I was ready, not out of full will, but out of necessity, thinking it will be the rope that will get me out of a rotten old well. But the rope was just an idea, probably an illusion, or some fantasy that I could only dream of. I am a steel covered in deep-seated rust. A little piece of junk.

I woke up earlier, brain not yet fully functioning but having a feeling of void within, a portion missing. I failed because I let fear eat up my being. I fear of failing because I have failed many, many times. I can not risk myself failing the only ticket to my redemption. My ticket out of here.

And now, this is what I get. I missed the flight to liberation. Succumbing to the modern-day slavery. Existing but not living. Breathing air but not breathing life. Horrifying, but those are the easy fallbacks. No matter how much I try to occupy my head with several shallow things, I always hear a nagging question echoing inside: What will I do now?

I can't answer that I don't know. I can't just sit, sulk, and wait for the next flight that won't get available anytime soon. But how sure am I that I will make it to the next flight even if I use the waiting time to prepare for it? And, how sure am I that, even if I make it to the next flight fully prepared, I will still have the same desire to take that flight? Every single day, week, month, year that will be passing is in itself a lifetime. I can't answer that I don't know what to do, but in all shameful honesty, I really have no clue.



...:::j u l i e:::...