it's been a while

I will truly mark this day.

It's like the smell of freshly cut grass, walking in the fog mist of an early Saturday morning. Light. And though I have embraced the shadows of the comforting yet disturbing darkness of my existence, which is where my soul feels home now, still, it's simply elating to feel this lightness of being I have never experienced and have almost forgotten, since ten years ago. Ten long years. And every color it used to bring suddenly seeps right through my black and white photo.

I was sleepless last night, having only a couple hours of disturbed rest lying in my messy bed. But I was more alert than ever. And no amount of caffeine or nicotine, or perhaps heroine, could do better than my overly active endorphins this morning. And nothing tainted that glory that lasted throughout this day. I was a walking sunshine under the gloomy weather on this first work day of the week. Because I had a glimpse of my old world. Because I had a glimpse of my old home. Because I had a glimpse of how it was like, being fourteen again.

And now, as this night's about to shift to tomorrow, the lightness starts to wane and the drugs no longer work, I feel the familiar shadow slowly caving in. The sullen sky that sees the reality with eyes widely open. I have grown up to be this person to know very well that there are forces that exist that finds repulsion in the smallest joy of one mortal soul. I caught myself scoring the warmest smile I had for years, and I got scared. Because a little drop of joy causes a gallon of sanity to be lost.

But still, with all my cynicism, I am truly grateful that I have felt a smidgen of my purest innocent bliss, even for just a while.

"it's been a while, but all the shit seems to disappear when I'm with you." - Staind

...:::j u l i e:::...