eric's song...part 2

"And of course I forgive
I've seen how you live
Like a phoenix you rise from the ashes
You pick up the pieces
And the ghosts in the attic
They never quite leave"
- Eric's Song
Viena Teng

two words.
and a frowny.
after three long days.
just when i was getting used to not expecting.
salt grains in the half-fresh wound.
two words.
two words i badly need.
and don't need.
because this enormous weight seemed to have been breezingly lifted.
and now, i have something to fear once again.
fear of being the last on such short thread.
fear of sitting, waiting, hoping, and still getting nothing.
fear of relapse from an addiction of which i was already shaken.
how sorry was he really?
concealing this hollowness with the lightness of my sound.
but it was not okay.
never okay.
because he has no clue.
of the depth of this tunnel i go through.
enveloped by the darkness of his shadow.
and of course i forgive him.
but i try not to forget.
because the cycle needs to be broken.
or i'll be.
yet again.



[below was something i wrote on my lomonotebook on July 13, 2009 Monday 12:27 PM. I just edited some portions of it.]

waking up with this eerie coldness
i looked outside
it's raining and gloomy
then i realized
it was not because of the weather.
i looked inside
and there's the gaping hole
hollowness echoing.
the coldness of losing.
somehow, something in me died that night.
when five minutes could have made it right.
could have beens.
should have beens.
what ifs
and if onlys.
fooling myself by keeping myself occupied.
but lapses bring him swiftly back to my senses.
seeping through my veins.
circulating my body.
all the way to my brain.
he was my addiction.
worse than the nicotine in my cigarette.
worse than the alcohol in my booze.
worse than the caffeine in my drink.
now, he becomes the teeth in the sad tones of the songs i'm listening.
sinking its claws into my skin.
spreading his venom into my being.
impaling.
agonizing.
paralyzing.
i watched as the last of my memory in him took the backseat.
out of his door and into the highway.
trashed and forgotten.
while the last of his memory in me
spreads like wild fire in a desserted forest.
i'm just a past that now becomes a nobody.
and he's a past that keeps on haunting me.
as i sit in this corner, under his shadow
wrapping myself around only to a memory.
staring nowhere and silently, excruciatingly bleeding.
for the most beautiful imperfection i placed on a throne.
where my contradictions find its home.
and then...
it dawned on me
that i was sitted in the exact same spot.
having the exact same coldness.
from the exact same gaping hole.
from the exact same soul.
from two years ago.
and i still haven't learned my lesson.
enough for me not to let it play on repeat.
and i was painstakingly exorbitantly stupid.
a fool once and a fool then
and all the time, the space, the distance that goes in between.
i still am a fool for him.


...:::j u l i e:::...