...and a voluntary one. I was warned, but I never listened. And now, I am entering the turbulent waves of the old familiar miserable pain. I should have been used to it, but I still taste it's strength. I don't know what to believe in anymore. I try to see beyond this fog, but the ghost of the past is still the ghost that haunts and hovers around him. And I am just a friend, a buddy. And he's just a friend, a buddy, although I know I'm just lying.Have been lying. Lying at the most lately. Because the truth is the hardest to take in, so I deny the truth even to my very own self. A denial that makes itself more and more real as the months passed. I wanted to avoid him, create more space between us, but he has always been my home outside my own, my coral in a murky fishbowl, and we're only getting closer, and I'm sinking deeper into this hole I created for myself. I did not want to make room for any ounce of desire, but it slowly creeps in now that fear begins to enter. Fear of losing him. Fear of not seeing him, and his smiles and laughs and hearing his voice. Perhaps, the ice has already melted, or maybe just getting paper-thin, but I try to contain each atom that makes up these vines that wrapped around his existence, because when the time comes that he'll be leaving, some parts of me will have to be cut off so I could breathe. And things won't be the same again. I realized this the moment I stepped out of the bus the other week, leaving him inside. I was walking on my own under the scorching sun, and I found myself almost pouring out my insides on a public road. I tried so hard to fight back the tears. For all I care, it could have been the last time I'll ever see him. And that's when I realized that after all the lies I told myself, after all the excuses I came up with, I really really really do enjoy being with him.
"No One's Gonna Love You" by Band of Horses
It's looking like a limb torn off
Or altogether just taken apart
We're wheeling through an endless fall
We are the ever-living ghost of what once was
But no one... is ever gonna love you more than I do
No one's gonna love you more than I do
And anything to make you smile
It is a better side of you to admire
But they should never take so long
Just to be over then back to another one
And no one... is ever gonna love you more than I do
No one's gonna love you more than I do
But someone, they should have warned you
When things start splitting at the seams and now
The whole thing's tumbling down
Things start splitting at the seams and now
If things start splitting at the seams and now
It's tumbling down, hard
Anything to make you smile
You are the ever-living ghost of what once was
I never want to hear you say
That you'd be better off
Or you liked it that way
And no one... is ever gonna love you more than I do
No one's gonna love you more than I do
But someone, they should have warned you
When things start splitting at the seams and now
The whole thing's tumbling down
Things start splitting at the seams and now
If things start splitting at the seams and now
It's tumbling down, hard
"No one's gonna love you" by Band of Horses
When I heard this song this morning, I was knocked down. And it has been on repeat for the nth time now. And whether the bold lines are true or not, I don't really want to know. Just one of the many things I tried to keep out of my system to avoid further damage.
.: Title inspired by Chuck Palahniuk :.
...:::j u l i e:::...
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