Things look harmless in the surface. It may even appear to be fun and exciting. Most people would not want to pass out on that. It's similar to eating junkfoods which only satisfies an immediate hunger, but not feeding one's health. But then, a lifestyle of junk will soon take its toll. An irreversible damage. Reaping what was sown. Junk = junk.
Human as I am, I admit to certain fears and weaknesses. Rejection. Failure. Disappointment. But as I try to stay with what I deemed as "safe and easy", was the bitter slap of reality. Where I am is not where I want to stay. And the longer I stay in it, the farther I have become to my real journey. But I refuse to get lost and be drowned. At the risk of sounding a smug, I have always known that I deserve, if not something better, at least something else. I know that I was not meant to live a life that just goes where the current is flowing. And that is what I'm holding on to keep me grounded on my own raft. But, alas, my strength can only last for so long, and so there are times that I get too tired to even move one bit. The desire to stop and take a breather becomes more powerful that I find myself dragging my body off to bed every single morning, counting the days and the hours until I can take my momentary break. And with weakness comes the susceptibility to the lure of the current, the lure of easy and safe. And so I remain in a rotten hole. Shitload-full and too chicken. Even welcoming thoughts of getting more junk to my fucked up life. Why make my existence better when it keeps on getting worse anyway?
"But I can't help the feeling
I could blow through the ceiling
If I just turn and run
And it wears me out, it wears me out
It wears me out, it wears me out
And if I could be who you wanted
If I could be who you wanted
All the time, all the time"
- Radiohead
